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Belladonna
by Annabelle

He was depressed.  I could tell that. I saw him sitting alone in his office, it was late and everyone else had left, but he sat there alone in his office with a glass in his hand.  He couldn’t see me, I made sure of that by hiding a little behind the door, but I was still able to peek in on him.  The glass that he had was partially filled with a brownish liquid, I knew enough to know that it was some kind of bourbon, strong hard liquor, that was the only kind I ever pictured him drinking.  Not some cheap two dollar beer that you could get anywhere, that made the people around you sick from the smell, not something that some street fighter would consider fine alcohol, no he would drink something rich with flavor showing that he had taste and elegance.

I knew what was on his mind, his conversation with Charles.  I had heard them, they thought that I wasn’t there, that I had gone up to my room, but I hadn’t.  Now, days later Charles’ words were still haunting him, I could tell.  But of course I would be selfish and egotistical to think that was the only thing on his mind, the only thing that caused him to drink, because he turned to alcohol so rarely.  No, something about Connor was buggin’ him, but he wouldn’t let the rest of us know, wouldn’t let us worry, he would keep it inside him until it caused him so much pain that he could just not take it anymore, and then he would make a mistake.  I couldn’t let that happen, then he would spend days afterward blaming himself, saying that it was all his fault.  Part of me didn’t want to let him do that because it would hurt me so to see him like that, the other part couldn’t stand to listen to him blame himself, I don’t believe in self pity.

Something had to be done.  His pain and misery were so great, but no one cared.  All they did was blame him for what happened, and let him believe that it was he was the sole cause of Connor being taken.  What they don’t see, what he doesn’t see is that he if hadn’t taken Connor then someone else would have, or Connor would have been dead.  Holtz said so himself, he would have killed Connor if Wesley hadn’t taken him, at least that is what Wes told us. I believe, even if the others don’t.  Even if Holtz hadn’t killed him, Wolfram & Hart would have, or worse Angel.  No, Wesley did the only thing that there was left to do, I just wish he had told me.  If he had I would have helped him, if he had told me I would have made sure that Connor was safe, I would have gone with him, and I wouldn’t have thought twice about asking Charles.  That was probably the reason he didn’t tell me, didn’t show me the prophecy until it was too late, he thought that I would question him and then run and tell Charles.  I would have questioned him but once I saw his work I would have agreed with him, the only way that we could save Connor was to take him away.

But I won’t waste my time on woulda coulda shouldas, not like them.  That is all they do now, they say to him, if you woulda told us we coulda done this, or you shoulda done this instead of that.  It is very tiring to listen to them blame him all day along.  What is also tiring is Charles, the way he parades me around like I am some trophy.  I didn’t notice it at first; I was being stupid, thinking that he was actually in love with me.  That someone as young as he was actually knew what love was. It is such a joke.  Whenever Wesley wasn’t depressed enough for him, Charles would pull me close, even if I didn’t want to.  He would run his hands over my body and say stupid things to me, trying to get me to go out of the room, I would always tell him no, we had work to do, which of course pissed him off to no end.  Then when the work was done and I would ask him to come upstairs or go for a walk with me he would say he was too tired, that he just wanted to go to home and sleep.  He was lying through his teeth; I don’t know why I didn’t see it.  It makes me sick just to think about it.

For days I kept praying that I could just forget about the feelings that I had for Charles: forget how stupid I had been, forget the mistake I made.  I hated him; I hated the way he looked at me, when he touched me.  At the end of each day I would scrub my skin so hard that it almost bled, but it still did not wash away the feelings that I had, the feeling of being used, being dirty.  I wanted to forget everything and wish away the night that I had kissed him, because that was when everything started to spin out of control. If you thought about it like I have then you would realize that this whole thing is my fault.  Everything that had happened, Wesley getting his throat cut, Connor being taken, it was all my fault, and it made me feel awful inside.  At least that is what I had thought until I realized what Charles had been doing, then it dawned on me, this whole thing was his fault.  Everything, all the pain, misery, blame, it should all be his.

Once I had added everything up I knew then that I had to do something.  So I would go into Wesley’s office at night.  I looked through book after book until finally I found something that would help me.  Lethe’s Bramble, a small little herb that had pretty pinkish flowers on it, it was used for many things but the book that I had said that it could be used for augmenting spells of forgetting and mind control.  Right off the bat I’ll tell you I am not a witch, I have never worked magic in my life, so mind control was out of the question, although it would have been fun if I could have figured out how to do it.  I also found something that would help with sleep, Belladonna, and from the description of the plant I knew were some was close by.  The spell to use Belladonna was simple enough.  I tried it on Charles a couple of times, it was kind of fun to watch him all of the sudden just fall asleep for no reason whatsoever.  Getting the Lethe’s Bramble was a different matter though.  So one day when Charles was being particularly unbearable I told him that I had to go to the library to visit some of my old friends.  I left the hotel and took Angel’s car, he always told me when I was up to it I could use it, well I was definitely up to it, plus where I was going could not have been reached by bus.  I went to a dark magic shop in a bad part of LA. 

This place was not somewhere were the group normally would go, but I heard someone talking about it, probably Cordelia, and I memorized the location.  I walked in and told the storeowner what I wanted and he was only too happy to help me, probably because I told him that money was not an issue.  Sure I didn’t have the money but I my ability to use the Belladonna made that no problem at all.  The shopkeeper came back with some of the Lethe’s Bramble and started to show me how to use it and he also gave me some of Belladonna, but he told me to be careful with both.  Just as he started to ring me up he asked why I nice girl like myself wanted to use such powerful herbs and spells.  I told him that I wasn’t such a nice girl, I had been hurt in my life and now it was time to get even.  He laughed at me and said maybe he shouldn’t sell these herbs to a girl who had such a black heart.  While he had been talking though I had reached into my purse and found some of the Belladonna, I pretend to laugh at him and looked down in my purse and said, somnus.  Then I quickly threw a hand full of the Belladonna at him and he fell down.  I next used the Lethe’s Bramble and said over it, obliviscor, thought about what I wanted to make him forget, and then touched it to the back of his neck and tucked it down his collar.  Unfortunately I was nervous so I did not carefully measure out the amount of Belladonna that I had used on him, but since I didn’t hear any reports of dead shopkeepers I guess he was all right in the end.  I took up the herbs that he had placed on the counter, cleared the cash register so he wouldn’t wonder about the half rung purchase, and after I doubled checked over everything I calmly walked out of the shop and drove back home to the hotel.

Funny how all of that only happened two days ago, now I was ready.  I had some of the Lethe’s Bramble with me, and a little of the Belladonna, the rest was up in my room.  Carefully I palmed just the smallest amount of Belladonna and whispered somnus over it.  Then I took in a deep breath, I wasn’t scared, I had been waiting to do this for weeks now and since I was ready there was no looking back.  This would be the first step in getting even with Gunn and start heading me towards getting what I really deserved, a man that loved me.  I threw the little speck of Belladonna at Wesley’s desk and watched.  He picked it up and looked at it and then his head fell straight into the open books that he had in front of him, his glass thankfully didn’t tip over.  Quickly I slipped through the door with the Lethe’s Bramble in hand and I stood behind him.  In my mind I concentrated on everything I wanted to make him forget.  The kiss he saw, Connor, the pain, everything bad that happened over these last few months, I wanted him to forget it all, at least for tonight.  After watching the bramble wilt and dry out from saying obliviscor over it I carefully tucked it under the collar of his shirt.  Then I scampered out of his office because I could tell that he was starting to wake up.

“Who’s there,” I heard him call out.

I slipped through the door, “It’s just me Wesley.”

“Oh,” he said.  “Sorry Fred you just startled me.”

“Okay,” I smiled at him.  “Well I hope you aren’t going to sit there all night and sulk.  Come upstairs and say goodbye before you leave.”  Then I turned around and walked out before he had a chance to respond.

Just as I started to walk away from the door though he said, “Sulking?”  I laughed under my breath and headed up to my room.

I think I set a record that night, fastest time ever to change into nightclothes.  Just as I folded my old clothes and put them in the hamper there was a soft knock on the door.  I checked the mirror once and smoothed over my hair and took a look at myself.  The nightshirt that I had on was pretty much translucent, I had picked it out for just that reason, Charles has never seen it though, and he never will.  I cast a glance at the two dishes I had set on the dresser, one of Lethe’s Bramble, the other of Belladonna.  Then I took in a breath and walked over to the door and opened it.

Wesley’s mouth gaped a little when he saw me and I couldn’t help but to blush.  “Well are you going to come in,” I asked rubbing my arm and looking down at the floor.

“Umm,” he stammered.  “Yes, yeah.”  I stepped aside to let him in.

“Wesley,” I spoke in a tentative voice.  “I wanted to ask you something.”  I gestured to one of the chairs to let him know that he could sit down.

“Sure Fred,” he gulped as I curled up in the chair opposite him.  I sat that way on purpose, I knew that I was leaving a good deal of my body exposed to his eyes and he would have to look because he knew that I would think him rude if he didn’t make eye contact.

“Do you,” I stuttered a little.  “Do you think that Charles likes me?”

“What,” he was taken aback, I could tell.

“Well I mean I wouldn’t ask you but you guys are such good friends,” I babbled.  “And he has been acting really strange and I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you want to do,” I could hear the pain in his voice.

“I want to make it go away,” I told him firmly.  “I don’t like him.  He makes me feel uncomfortable.  The way he looks at me, like I am a piece of meat.  I have seen people look at women like that before.  It always ends bad.”

“Well Fred,” this was it.  The moment of truth, the next words that came out of his mouth would let me know if the Lethe’s Bramble had worked.  “If you don’t like him then you should just tell him.”

Somehow I managed to hold in my sigh of relief.  “But,” I pretended to let my lips tremble, “I don’t want to hurt him.  He is a nice guy and all, but he is younger than I am, and we are so different.  I mean I could never picture myself going out with anyone like him, we have hardly anything in common.”  I was babbling at a fast rate, so fast that I wasn’t sure if he was going to catch this next part.  “I mean I always pictured myself with someone who was smart and funny and who knew what I was talking about.  Someone like you.”

Wesley’s mouth dropped again.  I knew he heard me.  “Do you,” he stuttered himself.  “Do you mean that?”

“What?” I asked in a sly voice.  I tried to pretend like I was embarrassed by what I had said.

“Do you want to go out with someone like me,” his voice was barely above a whisper.

“No,” I looked up him and saw his face fall.  “I want to go out with you.”

“Fred,” he finally managed to say.  But before he could say anything else I moved to kneel in front of him.

“Wesley,” I looked up at him and took his hand in a pleading manner.  “I’ll understand if you don’t feel the same way.  It’s okay really. Just, just let’s not be awkward about this, okay?”

“No,” he brushed his hand up against my cheek.  “That is not what I meant at all.”  Then he slowly lowered his lips to mine.

I never felt anything like that kiss before.  It was the most wonderful kiss of my life.  His lips still tasted of the bourbon and that mixed with his own flavor gave his mouth a sweet taste.  The kiss was gentle and his lips were so soft, not at all like the way Charles kissed me.  Charles was always harsh and forceful, my lips stung after he kissed me.  But this was completely different.  The way he kissed me made me want more, so much more.  So I did want any girl would do, I took it.  I pushed against him gently and let him lean back into his chair as I carefully climbed on to his lap and straddled it with my legs.  I deepened the kiss and slipped my tongue into his mouth to taste him.  It tasted even better than his lips, if that was possible.  The whole thing was the most wonderful experience of my life, at least up until that point.

“Fred,” he pulled away from me a bit.  Giving me the prefect opportunity to run my hands on his chest.

“What,” I asked innocently kissing his neck.

“We should stop,” he moaned a little.

I nibbled on his ear lobe, “I don’t want to.”

“But,” he started to protest.

“Shh,” I rested my finger on his lips.  “Just relax.”

He was silent for a moment, like he was considering what I was saying.  I knew though that in the end I would win.  The alcohol mixed with what my hands were doing to him was too much for him to handle.  He didn’t say anything else.  He just kissed me again and started to wrap his hands around my waist and rub the small of my back.

I giggled against his lips.  “See,” I told him.  “It is much better if you just relax.”

“Hmm,” he murmured.  “You are right.”

The kissing and groping became more heated, more desperate, more intoxicating.  My brain was on cloud nine, at that moment I couldn’t think if you paid me to, or my life depended on it.  Wesley felt the same way, I could tell because, well you know.  Anyway, he pulled away from me for just a moment and asked me if I trusted him and I told him always.  Then he stood up and I clung to him, wrapping my legs around his waist, still kissing him and nibbling on his ear.  We moved toward my bed and he laid me down softly.

I felt his hands start to drift over my body.  He was taking advantage of the position that I was in but I didn’t mind at all.  His touch was so soft, so gentle, and so erotic all at the same time.  Slowly he pushed my nightshirt up and started to kiss my stomach.  I moaned and arched myself to him.  I tried to form words, tried to tell him that I wanted more, but all that came out was a sigh of pleasure.  I ran my hand through his hair.  I wanted him; at that moment I wanted him more than anything else in the world.  He came back up to my mouth cupping one of my breasts in his hand.  As he kissed me I moaned again into his mouth from the pleasure of his touch and kiss at the same time.  The rest of the experience was a wonderful exciting blur of love, passion, and intense pleasure.

We fell asleep curled into each other.  Thankfully my sleep was lighter than his.  After about an hour I woke up and went over to my dresser.  I regretted what I had to do, but I had no choice.  I took some of the Belladonna and sprinkled it over him to be sure that he would not wake up.  Then I dressed him and removed the piece of Lethe’s Bramble that I had placed under his collar.  I took a lighter and started to burn the bramble saying a counter spell as I did so.  Everything that he had forgotten tonight he would remember in the morning.  After I finished doing that I took a new piece of bramble in my hand.  I clutched it to my chest; I did not want to do this but there was no other way.  I spoke one word Latin spell that had become so familiar to me and thought of everything we had done that night.  Once the flower had faded I tucked it under his collar and started to slowly move him to another room of the hotel.

“Fred,” I heard the knock at my door the next morning.  I groaned.  It was Gunn.  Quickly I got up and changed into my clothes from the pervious day.

“Yeah,” I called to him through the door not bothering to open it.

“Are we going to go out this morning or not,” He asked in a slightly whiney voice.  “Cause I’m starving.”

I sighed to myself and went to the door.  “Just give me a minute,” I ducked my head out.  “Go downstairs and wait for me.  I’ll only be a few minutes.  Promise.”

“Okay,” he smiled and gave me a quick kiss and went downstairs.

I was about to close the door when I noticed Angel standing there staring at me and slightly glaring.  “What,” I asked in with a silly smile.

“When are you going to tell him,” He grumbled.

“Tell whom what?” my voice was filled with naivety.

“Tell Gunn that you are sleeping with Wesley.”

“What,” I hissed at him and rushed out of my room.  “What are you talking about?”

“I can smell him,” Angel said.  “All over you.”

“Shh,” I glared at him.  “I don’t know what you are talking about.  Why are you trying to cause trouble?”

Angel gave me a look, “So why didn’t you let Gunn into your room?  Is Wesley in there?”

“No,” I said in a shocked whisper.  “Of course he isn’t.  I didn’t sleep with Wesley!”

“Fred don’t try to lie to me,” Angel hissed back at me.  Before he had a chance to say anything else Wesley came stumbling out of the room that I had put him in.

“Um,” He looked at both of us with a daze.  “Good morning?”

“See,” I growled at Angel.  “Wesley was drinking last night and I didn’t want him to drive home.  So I brought him upstairs.”

“Hmm,” Angel looked at Wesley.  “So you didn’t sleep with Fred?”

“What,” Wesley sounded just as shocked as I had.  Of course he didn’t have the memories that I did.  “Of course not!  How could you suggest that I would do something like that to Gunn?”

“Or that I would do something like that to him,” I glared at Angel again.

“Fine,” Angel turned around.  “Next time you feel like playing sleep over ask first Fred.  I don’t like strangers in the hotel.”

I looked at Wesley and saw the hurt in his face.  “Oh Wes,” I whispered.  “He didn’t mean it like that.”

“No,” he shook his head.  “He did.”

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

“Yeah I’m fine,” he smiled at me.  “Thanks for looking out of me.”

“Of course,” I titled my head and looked at him.  “How about we go out?  You know just you and me.  I don’t have to go to breakfast with Charles, he’ll understand.”

“That is sweet of you,” he shook his head at me.  “But don’t worry about me.”

“Alright,” I sighed.  “How about a hug then?”

“I don’t think Gunn would appreciate that,” he said in a slightly harsh voice.

“Oh please,” I laughed at him and then hugged him.  “What?  I am not allowed to hug my friends anymore?”

“You are right,” he chuckled a little.

I reached my hand under his collar and in a quick movement took out the Lethe’s Bramble that was still there.  “See,” I smiled pulling away from palming the bramble.  “Nothing to worry about.  Are you sure you are okay?”

“I am fine,” he smiled again.  “You go on to breakfast.”

“Well I have to change first,” I laughed looking down at my clothes.  “After dragging you up here last night I just feel asleep without bothering to change.”

Wesley grimaced, “Was I that difficult?”

“You were a prefect gentleman,” I grinned at him.  “Well I guess I’ll see you later.”

“Have a nice breakfast Fred,” he replied and then ducked back into the room that he came out of.

I sighed and clutched the bramble to me again.  It would be so easy just to burn it right there and let him remember what happened, but I couldn’t.  So I went and got dressed and pinned the bit of bramble to my shirt.  Charles asked me endless questions about it but I told him that I liked the flower and to just leave it be.  He did eventually and it relieved me.  But he still did those annoying things of his, like grabbing me and pulling me into his arms whenever Wesley walked into a room.  I pushed him away a little more forcefully this time though, I didn’t want him touching me, not after last night, it just seemed to ruin the whole experience.

After that using the bramble became easy.  I would trade off each time.  Making Wesley forget certain things and remember others.  He had all the memories in his mind; I was just blocking the ones that I didn’t want him to think about on a given day.  It was wonderful, like being in a dream.  Only when I woke up I was back in the nightmare.  I just used the Lethe’s Bramble and Belladonna so often that it became habit.  Nothing ever went wrong, except those occasional times that Angel grilled us, but I made sure to stay away from Angel on mornings after Wesley had spent the night.  Everything was going perfectly, except for Charles.  I didn’t know what I was going to do with him but eventually that would not be a problem.

Wesley and I were at the carnival.  It was one of our favorite places to go.  He always won me little stuffed animals and prizes like that, which I would have to keep hidden in under my bed or in my closet, but it was worth it.  We were walking around holding hands and sharing cotton candy when I saw Charles.  He was there and the first thing I did was panic, but then I saw something.  He was there with another woman.  They were laughing and talking and then he kissed her.  I squealed when I saw that and Wesley asked me what was wrong.

“Look,” I pointed to where Charles is over there was.  “Charles.”

“Oh you are right,” Wesley turned to look at Charles and I quickly snatched the bramble that was under his collar and light it on fire and replaced it with a new one.

Wesley started to waver a little and I reached out to steady him.  “Woah,” I said.  “Are you okay there, Wesley?”

“Yeah,” he put his hand to his head.  “I just got a little dizzy.”  Then he looked around, “What are we doing here?”

“You took me to the carnival because Charles said he couldn’t tonight,” I explained and then I looked over to where Charles was standing with the other woman and pretended to sniffle.  “I guess he was too busy taking her.”

Wesley gave me a puzzled look and then saw what I was looking at.  I watched him, anger starting to rise in his face, and he clenched his fist.  “Fred,” he tried to give me a soft look.  “We can go.”

“No,” I shook my head with determination.  “He was kissing that woman and I am not going to let him get away with it.  We are going to end this right now.”  I stormed off to where Charles was and heard Wesley rushing behind me to keep up.

I walked right up to Charles and slapped him hard across the face.  “Bastard,” I shouted at him.

“Hey,” Charles hissed at me.

“Don’t you hey me,” I snapped.  “I saw you with her!”

“Fred I don’t know what you are talking about,” Charles tried to cover.

Wesley shook his head.  “Don’t lie Gunn,” he growled.  “We both saw you.”

“Whatever,” Charles glared at both of us.  “You two have been hanging out like there is no tomorrow.  If I didn’t know any better I would say that you were trying to make a move on my girl English.”

“Your girl,” I yelled.  “Your girl!  Let’s get one thing perfectly clear here.  I am not, never was, and never will be your girl!  I was only prize in this sick contest that you have going on in your mind.  Thinking that you have to outdo Wesley all the time.  Well guess what, you lost!”

I felt Wesley pull on my arm a little.  “Come on Fred,” he told me in a calm voice.  “Let’s get out of here.”  We started to walk away and he turned around to look at Charles.  “If you ever try to hurt her again I will kill you myself.  Now why don’t you take a few weeks off, otherwise I won’t be held responsible for what happens to you when you come into the office tomorrow.”

“Wesley,” I whispered to him pulling him with me.  “Please, I just want to go home.”  He nodded and wrapped his arm around me and led me back to the hotel.

When we got back I asked him if he wouldn’t mind making me some tea.  He said of course not and that he would bring it up to my room.  I went upstairs and measured up the amount of Belladonna that I would need so I was ready by the time he came in.  He smiled weakly and asked me if I was okay once he set the tea down.  I said I would be fine and then told him that I had some headache medicine in the bathroom and asked if he wouldn’t mind getting it.  He replied that it wasn’t a problem and went into the bathroom.  While he was in there I quickly spilled in the Belladonna into his tea and stirred it a little.  Then I picked up my cup and started to slip on it.

“Here,” he handed me the bottle.

“Thank you,” I dumped out the pills and watched him drink his tea.  “I feel so stupid.”

“You are not stupid Fred,” he took another slip.  “Gunn was the idiot here.  Thinking that there was something going on between us.  Even so that is no excuse for the way he acted.”

“I know,” I looked down at the floor and back at him seeing that he was starting to drift.  “But I still feel like I should have noticed.”

“Fred,” he started to yawn.  “You are not to blame here.”  His head sank down and his breathing started to even out.

“Wesley?” I questioned him.  But he was sleeping.  Quickly I took the teacup from him and the Lethe’s Bramble from under his collar.  I burned it while saying the counter spell.  If he woke up right now he would remember everything, I thought to myself.  But that would not work; no some of his memories would have to go.

I thought about all of his memories carefully as I played with the fresh Lethe’s Bramble in my hand.  Finally I decided, any memory that he had of my relationship with Charles would have to be whipped from his mind, everything else could stay.  So I concentrated for the last time on the bramble and which memories I wanted gone and said the simple spell.  I rubbed the bramble against his skin for a few minutes; that was all that was really needed.  I only kept it tucked under his collar for easy access, but this time would be the last time I would need it.  Once I finished I carefully tucked the bramble into one of my drawers and waited for Wesley to wake up.  Now everything would be prefect.  I would no longer have to wake up to the nightmare and I would be with Wesley forever.  It was my dream come true.

One thing worried me though.  I worried about when Charles came back to work and found out that Wesley and I were closer than ever.  Wesley was still sleeping the day that Charles came back.  I made sure of that by giving him some Belladonna.  I went downstairs and talked with Charles.  I told him that I would work with him but I would not be his friend.  The way he had treated me was unforgivable and now I was with Wesley.  He started to protest but I told him to shut up and deal with it.  If he hadn’t been using me the whole time it still would not have mattered, I was meant to be with Wes and if he couldn’t handle it then he was just going to have to quit.  That was when it hit him, everything he had done and he just hung his head and promised he would not give either of us a hard time, and thank all the stars above he has been true to his word.

About a month later I got rid of all the Belladonna and Lethe’s Bramble, all except one, the piece of bramble that I had kept in my drawer.  I took it out and pressed it into a book, then I framed it and hung it in my room.  Wesley asks me about it every now and then and asks if I know what it means.  I always laugh at him and tell him that I just thought it was a pretty flower and of course he believes me, because why wouldn’t he?

We are getting married tomorrow.  Everyone will be there, even Connor.  That’s right, Wesley and I finally figured out a way to get him back, of course that was after I moved out of the hotel.  Angel threw a fit when he found out that Wesley and I were going out, now though he begs us to come back.  Yeah right, like I am going to play mom to his kid, he has Cordelia for that.  No, I will be mother to my own children.  My children with Wesley, this is the dream ladies and gentlemen.  I am living the dream.  Of course I have to give Wesley some Belladonna every now and then, that stuff is addictive, did you know that?  Oh well, I guess everything can’t be prefect.